Canseco's new book on 'The Simpsons'

"The Simpsons" last night looked into the future for Jose Canseco's next book (and Marge's last one).

Which part of Palmeiro's story do we believe?

I have to say I'm stunned. Shocked. Knock me over with a feather.

It's not so much that Rafael Palmeiro tested positive a banned substance under MLB's new drug policy, it's that so many people are being so damn quick to crucify him for it. To be clear, I agree that this is a blow to his career and his accomplishments. Furthermore, perhaps most importantly, he certainly could answer a lot of questions — and perhaps clear his name a little bit — if he elaborated on his comments that he "never knowingly took steroids" and that he would love to explain what he tested positive for and why he took whatever it was he took, but he won't by saying he can't.

To read Scott Miller's column, you'd think Miller himself walked in on Palmeiro holding the needle. Buster Olney calls for Palmeiro to explain himself and at least tosses in the conditional "might" before saying his Congressional testimony in March does not appear to have been truthful. The fact of the matter is, we don't know what Palmeiro tested positive for, and we don't know that he was telling anything but the truth before Congress. Apparently, such details were not passed on to Miller. It bothers me when journalists are so quick to get their opinion out there, eager to inflate their reputation with strong words and a definitive stance. It's a tired, repeated refrain (just take a look at any conservative site with regard to the war in Iraq) that the media is so quick to report on the negative and overlook the positive, but it seems not to be restricted to world politics. (And how much does the internet play a role? Would some of these columns look any different if they weren't rushed "to post" less than six hours after the announcement?)

In my opinion, I think MLB rushed into this policy because it wanted to save face. It had ignored the problem for so long, but now that Congress was getting involved, it had to do something. Almost as soon as the details were announced, they were criticized.

To this day, I wonder if the players have been provided with a definitive list of what will cause their urine sample to come back positive when tested under baseball's drug policy. Torii Hunter was initially scared to drink Red Bull and I wonder if he's received any assurances that it's OK. Senator Joe Biden (Democrat of Delaware) issued a statement in January saying, "The new testing system sounds better than the flimsy one they had before. But the penalties are weak and it is still unclear what substances will be banned under this new agreement." And in the NFL, they had already learned that some banned substances are not clear on the labels of the supplements they take.

Back to Palmeiro. If it weren't for Jose Canseco's book, I don't think Raffy would have been among the usual suspects with regard to steroids. To me, his career just doesn't scream "steroid user." His home run output never had the jump that, say, Barry Bonds' did when he suddenly hit 73 after never reaching 50 before (or since). He increased his 1992 total of 23 by 15 in 1993, an impressive bump, but not a suspicious one to me. He was 28 that season, too, and how many baseball men will tell you that strong arms and quick wrists that produce lots of line drives and doubles can turn into home runs with a minor adjustment that puts a little more loft on the ball? Sure, it doesn't help Raffy's case that the 37 home runs came in the year after Jose Canseco arrived (I'm not going to ignore a fact just to prove my point), but again, it's not like there were no other possible explanations for the power boost.

Palmeiro played five years in Baltimore — somewhat seen as a welcoming park for the left-handed hitters — and then returned to Texas and its new hitters haven. He was solid and consistent, as are the hitters on his comparable players list. Nothing but reliable Hall of Famers there.

I don't think Palmeiro's stupid. I don't think the combination of his lawyers, agent and wife are, either. Even if he had done something he shouldn't have in the past, before his appearance before Congress, how could he put himself in such a position to be caught like this? Seriously, do you think a man who has continued to work with Congress, participating in a conference call just a few weeks ago, would accept that invitation while knowingly breaking the rules at the same time?

Last summer in Houston, I stood in a conference room at Minute Maid Park with every living member of the 500 home run club. Steroids had again become a hot topic to the point where that night on Baseball Tonight, I watched Karl Ravech interview Mark McGwire, a conversation that must have happened either moments before or after the press conference I attended. Each hitter had a table to which he went after the initial introduction and camera crews and print reporters alike approached the players as they needed. Aside from the great Willie Mays and the outspoken Reggie Jackson, the players who drew the biggest crowds — and, in the instances I dropped in and heard bits of conversation as I made sure I stopped at each table, fielded the steroids questions — were Bonds, Sammy Sosa and McGwire, the players who then, as now, have drawn the most suspicion.

Among the most accessible tables were those of Ken Griffey Jr. and Palmeiro. In fact, some of Bonds' overflow spilled into Griffey's space. In my mind, I still tend to think of Palmeiro as part of that group, the one that included Mike Schmidt, Harmon Killebrew, Willie McCovey and Frank Robinson; not the group of Bonds, Sosa, McGwire. I'm sure Palmeiro is guilty of something; I don't think he's a patsy, I don't think he's being set up by MLB. There's no conspiracy. But I do wonder if we'll ever know the truth, if every suspended player who says he never took anything more than a supplement will be vindicated or exposed.

While I'm not going to go off half-cocked and absurdly say Palmeiro lied in front of Congress when there is absolutely no such proof to support that accusation, I do wonder just what part of his story I should believe. Unfortunately, I don't think Raffy will ever tell us, for sure.

Juicy

I've wanted to stay away from commenting on this whole steroids issue. I'm not trying to ignore it and think that it will go away, because it clearly won't. But I felt I didn't have much to say that wasn't already being thrown about, and that's still probably the case. But on the heels of last week's congressional hearing, it's taken a new turn.

First, there was the delicious sight of Bud Selig squirming and Donald Fehr sounding simply sleazy and heartless. "Progressive punishment?" God. The best thing that came out of the D.C. grandstanding was the exposure of the true wording of baseball's supposedly "tougher" steroid policy.

As for the players, it was shameful on both sides of the photographers' pit. The politicians fawned over the players and acted like they'd invited their athletic heroes into their homes and were amazed by their mere presence. For the athletes' part, they backtracked on everything they've said and done in the past few weeks or years. Jose Canseco backed off everything he's ever said or written about steroids and even Curt Schilling -- perhaps the biggest politician in the MLB players' association -- backtracked from what he's been saying for months about steroids.

But the saddest sights were Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. As Tom Verducci said, here's a guy who felt free and comfortable talking in English since the 1998 home run chase, and now he doesn't even open his mouth in his own defense? I have yet to see a news clip since that shows Sosa saying anything. He looks like a mentally challenged hulk sitting there in his suit while his gray-haired lawyer serves as his mouthpiece. And, of course, everyone's already pointed out his use of the word "illegal" when saying he'd never used "illegal drugs."

As for McGwire, a player I once enjoyed to watch and marvel over, it was clearly a sad scene -- this once Paul Bunyan-esque slugger now appearing smaller, his face markedly clearer, dressed up (it seemed) in grandpa's reading glasses. All he had to do was come out and say it, say he never used steroids, and he'd be validated. But he didn't, probably because he couldn't, and now everyone -- Buster Olney, Jayson Stark, the news articles have jumped on the player everyone praised six summers ago.

Except one. Interestingly, Ben McGrath's "Talk of the Town" piece in The New Yorker is the one column I've seen that's portrayed McGwire in a positive light. But as Verducci said, hasn't McGwire learned the importance of history, of learning from the past? Clearly, we won't be learning from him.

* * *
Now what to make of Barry Bonds? Which is the act? His brash bravado during his press conference when he arrived in spring training? Or his quiet, humble, whimpering sob story yesterday? If not somewhere in between, I am going with history here and leaning toward the former. Will Bonds miss the entire season? Doubtful. Is he really done? Probably not. He's frustrated. True, he has been beaten down by allegations and accusations, but much of it he's brought upon himself. He berates the media, the sportswriters for bringing him to this point, but he had a choice in how he dealt with the reporters who, for the most part, were simply doing their jobs. He hasn't been cordial with any of them, or with many fans.

Blaming the writers for his woes, for his family's "pain," is weak. It's part of your job, your privileged career, that you have to live with. With McGwire's Hall of Fame resume clearly tarnished, in the minds of many, what will we make of Bonds'? Eddie Murray was known to be surly with the press, but he had little trouble getting to Cooperstown. Bonds shouldn't either, just because -- steroids or not -- his numbers are so eye-popping.

I, for one, won't be counting the days until Bonds is back on the field. I'll monitor his rehab, if only because of the fantasy baseball implications. But if he's hit his last home run, or if he comes back but still falls short of Hank Aaron's respectable 755, baseball will be better off. If not, if he gets healthy and passes Babe Ruth this year and Aaron in 2006, it will be a fitting mark on Selig's tenure -- perhaps his lasting impression. Baseball's greatest record, its home run crown, will be shrouded in a fog of suspicion, forever.

Then and Now: The Springfield Nuclear Nine

Homer at the Bat
Today I watched "Homer at the Bat," the episode of The Simpsons in which Mr. Burns hires nine major league players to token jobs at the power plant so that they can play on the company softball team. When Smithers goes out to hired the first of the ringers, his first stop is a baseball card show at which Jose Canseco is signing autographs. "I get $50,000 to play one game?" Canseco asks, sounding excited. "Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey, it sounds like fun."

Looking back on it now — the episode originally aired almost 13 years ago, Feb. 20, 1992 — it's amazing to see what players were chosen, and the subplots that were explored. For instance, today Canseco is still looking out for Jose, trying to make money however he can. So I thought I'd take a look at the Springfield Nuclear Nine, then and now.

JOSE CANSECO
Then: The 27-year-old was coming off a 44-home run, 122-RBI season with the A's, his sixth full season. He'd hit 209 homers to that point. The 1992 season: He was traded to Texas in August for Ruben Sierra, Jeff Russell, Bobby Witt and cash. It was a deal that seemed like it could be one of the biggest ever and an exchange of two certain Hall of Famers. Now: I hear he's got a book out, based loosely on his playing days.

MIKE SCIOSCIA
Then: At the age of 32, Scioscia batted .264 for the '91 Dodgers in 119 games. He had what would probably be considered his career year in 1990, when he also hit .264, but with 12 homers and 66 RBI, both career highs. He knew how to work a count, though: In each of his 13 big-league seasons, he walked more times than he struck out, despite a career .259 batting average. The 1992 season: It was his last as a player. In 117 games, he hit just .221 with a career-low .286 OBP (.344 lifetime mark nonetheless). He retired with just 68 career HRs. Now: He's about to enter his sixth season as manager of the Angels, coming off his first division title. The team's 75th win this season will be his 500th. Show quotation: [Explaining why he actually enjoys working in the power plant.] "It's such a relief from the pressures of playing big-league ball. I mean, there, you make any kind of mistake, and — BOOM! — the press is all over you." And now he's a manager. Go figure.

OZZIE SMITH
Then: At 37, The Wizard of Oz had just come off his third straight season with exactly 50 RBI. The 1992 season: He hit .295 and stole 43 bases, but would have only one more season with 500 at bats before retiring in after the '96 campaign. Now: He may be the last player to reach the Hall of Fame for his defense and solid consistency moreso than his offensive numbers. Show moment: During practice, Mr. Burns takes the bat from Oz to show him how to bunt. The pitch comes in, and Mr. Burns is knocked to the backstop by the force of the ball hitting the bat.

DON MATTINGLY
Then: He played 152 games for the Yankees at 30, but hit just 14 homers combined in 1990 and '91. The 1992 season: He overcame his back problems enough to hit 14 homers in '92 and 17 in '93, with 86 RBI in each. Now: He's in Tampa, about to start his second season as the Yankees' hitting coach. Show quotation: "I still like him better than Steinbrenner." Airing six months after George Steinbrenner criticized Mattingly for wearing his hair too long (and had him benched for one game because he didn't cut it), Mr. Burns insists Donnie Baseball shave his sideburns. Mattingly doesn't see the problem (he has no sideburns) and ends up shaving the sides of his head up and over the top. Burns still isn't satisfied and kicks him off the team, prompting the comment.

STEVE SAX
Then: "Saxie" hit .304 with a career-high 10 homers and 56 RBI in '91 for the Yankees. He also stole 31 bases at 31. The 1992 season: In the first of two seasons with the White Sox, his average plummeted to .236, though he still stole 30. He played just 57 games in '93 and seven in '94. Now: Sax appeared to be the leading candidate to land the color commentator's role for TV broadcasts of about 50 Dodgers road games (those for which Vin Scully does not make the trip), but the team hired Steve Lyons instead. Show quotation: "But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City." The police pull him over as he's driving through Springfield and harass him because he's from NYC.

ROGER CLEMENS
Then: The Rocket, 29, went 18-10 with 13 complete games (four shutouts) for the Red Sox, striking out 241 batters. The 1992 season: Clemens was 18-11 with 11 complete games (five shutouts) and 208 Ks. Now: He's signed on for one last, final last season with the Astros. Show moment: The Rocket's grounded from the softball game because the hypnotist brought in to convince the team (ringers and true employees alike) that they were outstanding athletes has made Clemens think he's a chicken. He walks around the field clucking. Eight years later, he'd throw a bat at Mike Piazza and then claim he "thought it was the ball."

WADE BOGGS
Then: The 33-year-old third baseman hit .332 for the Sox in '91. The 1992 season: His worst average, by far: .259. Not great for a contract year. In '93, he was in the Bronx. Now: All the money he earned in the bigs bought him a new full head of hair. And, he's in the Hall of Fame. Show quotation: "Pitt the Elder!" At Moe's, in a debate with Barney over who was England's greatest prime minister, Boggs gets punched out for disagreeing with Barney.

KEN GRIFFEY JR.
Then: He played three seasons before turning 22 and reached 100 RBI (exactly) for the first time in '91, hitting .327. The 1992 season: Continuing his steady rise, he batted .308 with 27 HR and 103 RBI. Now: After the difficult offseason of 1999-2000, when he forced a trade to his hometown Reds, this is the fourth straight spring folks in Cincinnati are beginning sentences with "If Griffey stays healthy ..." Show quotation: When Mr. Burns forces everyone to drink Brain & Nerve Tonic to "promote robust health," despite causing gigantism in rare cases, Griffey gets hooked on the sauce and develops a huge head. Since then, he's missed at least 20 games in eight of 13 seasons.

DARRYL STRAWBERRY
Then: His first season with the Dodgers produced 28 home runs and 99 RBI at the age of 29. The 1992 season: This is where the signing officially went bust. He played just 43 games and would top 100 only once (1998 with the Yankees) before retiring after the '99 season. Now: Returning to his roots, Straw will be a spring-training instructor for the Mets in Port St. Lucie. Show moment: As the only ringer who wasn't kicked off the team or otherwise kept from playing, Strawberry starts the game in place of Homer in right field. Upset that their father isn't playing, Bart and Lisa start chanting "Daaaa-rryl! Daaaa-rryl!" Marge scolds them, but Lisa explains, "Mom, they're professional athletes, they're used to this sort of thing. It rolls right off their back." Strawberry sheds a tear.